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Confessions

Honestly?
Honestly I can’t say.
I can’t bring myself to answer
any questions you need to ask
Because my words don’t seem real right now
I’m hoping it doesn’t last
Even though that would mean more change
and I’m still coping with the past
Which apparently I let go of long ago,
But it still breaks my heart to see its photos on the wall
to see the dust settling in its abandoned room
It still leaves me
a little bit empty
because I still cant fill the space it left behind

So right now I’m a little bit lost.
And i dont think Ive felt this way before
because before was alot darker
And I spent most of it hiding away in dark caves behind waterfalls
to weak to drink its water and to blind to see outside
it was tough
but in least I had focus
I could take the punches since I saw them coming
but right now
I get puched then feel the hit

and grains of sand feel like the size of planets
because I just feel so small
and I hope that if i find myself
ill be enough
to look someone honestly in the eye
because honestly right now I just need to get away
I just need to find a place I can call home and run away from it
and return to it
humbley a few years late
and hope im enough to let me walk through its hallways

Right now I keep running
not away fro problems
not towards the future
i just keep running
and hope that thats enough

I wanted to change and realized I was worse off
so the lower I get the harder it is to stand tall and I promise you im trying so hard
the past few months has been a silent battle ground
and before that at least I heard gunshots
so everything made sense

So Honestly?
Honestly I can’t say.
I can’t bring myself to answer
any questions you need to ask
Because my words don’t seem real right now
I’m hoping it doesn’t last
and Im hoping that dreaming will last forever
because waking up is both beautiful and painful
and it hurts to feel so alone
and trapped
and pathetic again
and if there’s any hand out there willing to pull me up
I cant accept you
im sorry
i just need to be alone
far away
Because I can get through this
even if only on the outside

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