Run-Away Luggage

I just wanted you to know
2nd best is no longer good enough
Although let’s pretend it is since you will never be enough for 1st
Also, I just thought I should tell you that you became
Everything you never wanted to be
And you can only redeem yourself
By never being you again

Because you made some mistakes
Being  stubborn enough to stick to your ever changing ways
That meant no one understood
And on the surface that felt pretty good but really
Deep down
It was just to create distance
Since in reality your couldn’t travel far away
You couldn’t just pack up your bags and leave
Even though every bone in your body was dying to be free
You’d already pre-packed everything ready to go
Ready to fly to a place so far away just to start again
Where it wouldn’t matter if you were 2nd or 1st
Because you would never need to compete…
A place where you will be enough
Where the only weight you ever had to carry
Was the burden of a late train
Where you no longer felt like everybody’s luggage

Maybe you could swim so far to sea you cant turn back
And finally reach Never Land
You’d never need to grow up or worry
So you never have to understand
Or bear the pain of knowledge

Yet Never Land can’t exist for you
And no matter how far you travel
Youll never find a place to tuck your suitcase away
To sit by the warmth of a stove late at night
You’ll always be out in the snow
Calling for a place to call home
You’ll never be enough and it doesn’t matter where you are that’s not going to change
You can travel the world
Abandon everyone
Push or pull them as close as you like
But they’ll never see you
You’re not enough of a person to look into their eyes

So I just wanted you too know
You don’t need to get out of bed tomorrow
No one really wants you
No where really needs you
So just sleep
Now maybe the oxygen you breath wont be a waste
And maybe on day
You’ll take the courage to grab the suitcase and go
Without a single goodbye
Or final hello
Or maybe you wont be  luggage You’ll just leave that behind
And start again
Far away

Forget who you were
Who you tried to be
So even if youre standing alone
In least you’ll be on your way to find a home

Gallery

Times Of Torment

"n time we hate that which we often fear." -William Shakespeare

“n time we hate that which we often fear.”
-William Shakespeare

"Man alone measures time. Man alone chimes the hour. And, because of this, man alone suffers a paralyzing fear that no other creature endures. A fear of time running out."  Chronophobia-A fear of Time/ A fear of the Future

“Man alone measures time. Man alone chimes the hour. And, because of this, man alone suffers a paralyzing fear that no other creature endures. A fear of time running out.”
Chronophobia-A fear of Time/ A fear of the Future

"Hell is empty and all the devils are here." -Shakespeare

“Hell is empty and all the devils are here.” -Shakespeare

Closed Cabinets

"If you have tears, prepare to shed them now."-Shakespeare   ( The sculpture is made from this quote and text among others )

“If you have tears, prepare to shed them now.”-Shakespeare
( The sculpture is made from this quote and text among others )

How to be human / Skyline

If I should have children I won’t raise them to be Christian, Buddhist or sihk , I wont teach them to pray to a God to help heal a sick relative or friend in need. I wont teach them that they will be rewarded if they do good and be punished if they commit a crime under the justification they are being eternally judged on the predicament of whether or not they can enter some spiritual infinity filled with either love or hate.
I wont ever teach them that.
Ill teach them to be human.
Every other label they wish to decorate themselves with, be it Muslim or Jewish, is their choice. I’d want to teach them that to help that sick relative or friend in need , the best you can do, is be kind. Show support.
Know you cant cure them. You can only acknowledge them, and that that will make them feel better.  After all everything’s only for a little while.
As painful as it might be, Ill teach them that you can do all the good in the world and never be rewarded or appreciated for it, so please take the reward in the actions themselves, and that you commit as many crimes as you want and never be punished for them, but that doesn’t mean you should commit them.

My dear, I’ll say, this world is confusing and painful and filled with sacrifice, so be ready for change. Moments are more useful than the overall. They’ll abuse you and use you only to kiss your neck and hold you close but they’ll never beg forgiveness. And honestly dear, that’s beautiful.Because it means you’re alive. You’re living. And I hope you’re listening,  because when you listen to someones words and actions , you’ll begin to understand them.Even if they don’t understand them self. And i cry, its OK, you can go now, I understand – there’s more you need to see.

I’ll say, darling – you will feel pain. And I’m so sorry. And if I could I would take it all away, but I just can’t so please bare with it. Please know that it will get better one day and till then prepared to feel hurt, to feel empty, to feel lost. and just learn to cope as best you can and learn to hope with all your might, because hope
helps you win a fight
But sweetheart, you’re going to get broken. And once you’ve learned how to be fixed, and when you have repaired all the shattered pieces, there’ll still be marks- but wear them as medals because you’re a survivor of a war that everyone fights, but not many win. And know that the hardest part is probably afterwards. When you’ve won.
Because chances are,
you didn’t plan anything past that.
And that’s ok. You’re only human.
But in reality, you’re so much more.

If I should have children Ill tell them to explore the sky with their soul. Ill tell them the find the stars and never let them go since those stars, are everything we are, and everything we’ll be. And all that separates us is the skyline. I wont teach them that everything they are isn’t good enough, and I wont let anyone ever teach them that either. I won’t teach them that life’s easy, but Ill teach them that its beautiful, that complexity allows simplicity to shine through and that if the light wont reach you in time when you’ve fallen down a hole, go and fine wonderland. Go on an adventure and see where it goes and don’t let anyone stop you.

If I should have children, Ill teach them how to be human, how to love, how to carry on. And if they are anything like me- they wont listen. But in least I tried and I know they’ll find out everything for them self. They’ll learn things I could never teach them, that I never knew and maybe even one day, when I’m more of memory ready to leave for never land, they’ll hold me and they’ll cry
It’s OK
You can go now
There’s more you need to see
It’s only for a while we’ll be apart
And when we look at the stars
We’ll never let them go
Because we wont ever let you go
After all, all that separates us
Is the skyline

If I should have children, Ill teach them how to be human and hope they’ll live enough to know they are so much more.

 

Aside

Moments

I’m trying.
I don’t know why or what for I just wanted you to know
I’m trying.
I’m trying to be happy
To be human
To be me
And somehow I’m finding that very difficult,
But I know I’m not the only one
so in least I’m not alone.
Because how can you be alone here?
We’re compromised of stars recycled into souls
Consisting of particles twinned with those we love most
Even if we haven’t met them yet.
We’re graced with neuron light shows when we shut the world away
Entranced by the visual snow
open eyes would never understand.
So how can we ever have the audacity to feel alone?
When we are made up of atoms and atoms make us Matter
Because we matter.
That can never be taken away
It can’t be created or destroyed
It can only exist in that moment
In the second the hand ticks
In the blink of an eye
or in the hug of breath around a birthday cakes candle.
Its an eternal state of temporary
So prepared to feel lost
Prepare to feel the pull of life as it drags you down
As it slows time before stopping it altogether
Be prepared for that moment
And if that moment isn’t good enough
And if it begins to tear you apart
Then become a quasar.
Be prepared to change
Because that’s when you shine brightest
When awe-struck suns freeze before fervently taking notes in desperation to compare
Let scientists campaign on chat shows in attempts to gain your vote all on the off chance you’ll whisper them your secrets in understanding your light,
Because its the light that people see.
And I can guarantee they’re basking in it
Like ghosts tanning to color , Sun bathing in
Your knowledge
Absorbing all the rays they can get
So in turn they can learn to emit their own warmth
And if your light begins to subdue
Surround yourself  with people who’ll return the favour
And if your light begins to die
They’ll lend you theirs
Re-sparking the flame as if alighting a candle with hope in hospital waiting rooms
as visitors beg ‘Never let your light die out’
And you won’t
Because if laughing for 20 minutes adds 5 years to your life
then at this rate you’re immortal
You’re fearless like a lion
but remember
Don’t let your pride be your fall
Don;t obey some circus whip ass you reach for fame
Only to snap like a branch under pressure that crushes you as you cry
I tried mother, I tried
Because you’re not doing this for them.
You’re doing this for you
So stand stronger than Everest and watch as people try to conquer your greatest peaks
Be as accepting as a river is to diversity
And never let your waters choke on the pollution from the industrialized excuses politicians promote
Be authentic in your words and in turn your honesty
will be rewarded with wisdom
Surrender yourself to simplicity
And watch as all the clutter gets thrown away
Do your best to be every moment
and if you can’t
then try.
So please, please appreciate what I’m trying to tell you
and what I’m telling you is
I’m trying.

 

When Water Sweats Rain

I remember thinking to myself
Ill be anorexic, it’ll compromise the pain.
Ill exercise and starve this hurt away and do sit-ups until
I can never sit up.
Yet I would moments later find myself in the kitchen binging and
purging on food I couldn’t taste, with tears
replacing the sweat I was hoping to produce and bloating my hate into mouthfuls.
Yet I never wanted to take a drink, even if I needed it.
Because logic doesn’t apply here.
The daily guidelines don’t understand my need for nurture not nutrition.
I knew it was wrong.
I protested constantly against disorders and weight, but still
past events had lead me to these days where my morals and beliefs burnt away like a university of art the day it was set on fire.
I remember thinking it because there was a sense of achievement in the destruction of building a new body,
a better one.
Because these atoms weren’t strong enough for me.
I never wanted to be the crumpled sludge of mud or the paper thin delicacy of a petal.
The colours were to bright.People would want to see.
I wanted to work hard to look like the toned stem holding up beauty that bends towards the sun with hope seeping like nectar that was needed to be made into sweet honey.
I was willing to compromise attention and allure for usefulness because secretly
all I needed, was to be needed.
I remember this because some second hand advise originating from Sara said ‘Sweat holds more value than tears’.
So when I said I wanted to be anorexic, I didn’t mean it. I just wanted to exercise and starve myself into a beautiful death that might make me feel alive.
Because life is a constant contradiction.

Like suicidal life-draining thoughts
I didn’t want to die I just wanted to live and that was so achingly simple.
I lived in the smallest of moments and that made me happy.
A worn down penny on the pavement had more value than a pound.
No, it couldn’t buy me the temporary rush of sugar from a one penny sweet because inflation had doubled,tripled, quadrupled their cost, but yes,
the scratches on it made me wonder how far it had travelled and in whose pockets and purses.
I threw myself into these moments because they were real,
and if everything was taken away from me in least I knew I had them.
It took effort and my mind sweat tears because of the falsities I had to wrestle past to hold onto them
but in least they were worth holding.
Moments like summer rain in Britain.
Where everyone was so used to the forecast of goosebumps, no matter how warm, the sign of clouds meant layers. Jeans.  But to me the most profound thing was walking in shorts in the august rain.
Outstretching my arm covered in refreshing beads of precipitation-an innocent mimic of sweat during really good sex -as if to grab the moments hand and elope with it.

It was those quiet days,
where I could spend 3 hours in the shower with my mind completely empty,
lost like my legs were dangling over the edge of the cliffhanger my life had come to that day, that I thought : I should be anorexic.
And it was only when I’d ran out of distractions and
when the tears that had randomly visited so very briefly- like a millionaire at a charity gig- had stopped leaking that I realised
I was starving myself already.
I needed to refresh myself in the summer rain.
Not by sprinting to sweat, but by walking.
I needed to find a penny and recycle it into a donation.
I needed to stop trying to be everything for everyone, regardless of how unkind they were, and maybe grow a few petals of my own and not shy away when the sun pays me a compliment.
Because I was so busy trying to sweat my worth I forgot to hydrate myself.
So no value became of it all, only the sickness of becoming even weaker than before.
So let me tell you now, in this moment- however insignificant it maybe- Be kind, not just to others but to yourself. Be grateful  of the fact you’re not part of the 783 million people who cant access drinking water.
Take advantage of  the tap that provides you life whenever you want it,
because you need it.

You

You
As Einstein once said
‘Cold doesn’t exist,
just the absence of warmth’
Which I think is a beautiful thing

As I realise
Sorrow doesn’t actually exist,
Just the absence of love
Yet we dress that up in chromatic costumes
with scripts of rage
Thrusting it on stage
So it can be seen;
So it can be heard…

That’s the thing, people don’t really listen
they just hear
They don’t understand that the words that you speak
will have begun somewhere
That these melodies will have scrutinized the very depths of your soul
and may have come from that book that you read one rainy day
and made you cry
because it had the same echo your friends laugh did
Somehow that moment metamorphosed into gloss on the tip of your lips
And you wished
that someone would pour in like rain
in the middle of a deathly drought
where sweet rays of honey scorch your baby-soft skin,
And wash away all that makeup

Because we’re all the same.

I wonder will someone ever hold my hand and understand
All that I am
And know I’m not crazy
Or insane,
I’m just constantly on the brink of realisation of what it is to be human,
to be alive
In all its entirety?
Will that person just flick through these novels in my mind
or will they get so entranced by them they’ll be late for an interview
but won’t care
They’ll just carry on reading till they realise that they
are writing alongside with me?
We won’t need fiction
When re-writing this reality is fantasy in itself
Since all we need to do is look up at some non-existent celestial body of mass,
An endless photograph of the past,
Knowing our eyes see them
The same eyes that were made of those very recycled stars
Because we’re all just arguably-crafted clumps of atoms
Who have added meaning
To a heart beat

So when Einstein said
‘Cold doesn’t exist,
Just the absence of warmth’
I gaze at my skin covered in goose bumps
I understand
I’m not cold, nor sad
Something’s just absent
And I pray to some boundless infinity
That I’ll find it soon

In a recycled universe

That turns out

To be you.

 

Blood Diamonds

Snow white skin bathed in silks
Seductive lips temptingly echo a rich emptiness
Found in the golden atmosphere
Unaware of the unease below her wrist
Silence beckons the secrets to appear

A diamond ring
Screaming more words that its owner ever could fathom.

It was never my wish to destroy.

Heavy hearts in the throat of a young boy
Who sacrificed everything
For that diamond ring.

The blood and pain polished away