Run-Away Luggage

I just wanted you to know
2nd best is no longer good enough
Although let’s pretend it is since you will never be enough for 1st
Also, I just thought I should tell you that you became
Everything you never wanted to be
And you can only redeem yourself
By never being you again

Because you made some mistakes
Being  stubborn enough to stick to your ever changing ways
That meant no one understood
And on the surface that felt pretty good but really
Deep down
It was just to create distance
Since in reality your couldn’t travel far away
You couldn’t just pack up your bags and leave
Even though every bone in your body was dying to be free
You’d already pre-packed everything ready to go
Ready to fly to a place so far away just to start again
Where it wouldn’t matter if you were 2nd or 1st
Because you would never need to compete…
A place where you will be enough
Where the only weight you ever had to carry
Was the burden of a late train
Where you no longer felt like everybody’s luggage

Maybe you could swim so far to sea you cant turn back
And finally reach Never Land
You’d never need to grow up or worry
So you never have to understand
Or bear the pain of knowledge

Yet Never Land can’t exist for you
And no matter how far you travel
Youll never find a place to tuck your suitcase away
To sit by the warmth of a stove late at night
You’ll always be out in the snow
Calling for a place to call home
You’ll never be enough and it doesn’t matter where you are that’s not going to change
You can travel the world
Abandon everyone
Push or pull them as close as you like
But they’ll never see you
You’re not enough of a person to look into their eyes

So I just wanted you too know
You don’t need to get out of bed tomorrow
No one really wants you
No where really needs you
So just sleep
Now maybe the oxygen you breath wont be a waste
And maybe on day
You’ll take the courage to grab the suitcase and go
Without a single goodbye
Or final hello
Or maybe you wont be  luggage You’ll just leave that behind
And start again
Far away

Forget who you were
Who you tried to be
So even if youre standing alone
In least you’ll be on your way to find a home

Image

Confessions

Honestly?
Honestly I can’t say.
I can’t bring myself to answer
any questions you need to ask
Because my words don’t seem real right now
I’m hoping it doesn’t last
Even though that would mean more change
and I’m still coping with the past
Which apparently I let go of long ago,
But it still breaks my heart to see its photos on the wall
to see the dust settling in its abandoned room
It still leaves me
a little bit empty
because I still cant fill the space it left behind

So right now I’m a little bit lost.
And i dont think Ive felt this way before
because before was alot darker
And I spent most of it hiding away in dark caves behind waterfalls
to weak to drink its water and to blind to see outside
it was tough
but in least I had focus
I could take the punches since I saw them coming
but right now
I get puched then feel the hit

and grains of sand feel like the size of planets
because I just feel so small
and I hope that if i find myself
ill be enough
to look someone honestly in the eye
because honestly right now I just need to get away
I just need to find a place I can call home and run away from it
and return to it
humbley a few years late
and hope im enough to let me walk through its hallways

Right now I keep running
not away fro problems
not towards the future
i just keep running
and hope that thats enough

I wanted to change and realized I was worse off
so the lower I get the harder it is to stand tall and I promise you im trying so hard
the past few months has been a silent battle ground
and before that at least I heard gunshots
so everything made sense

So Honestly?
Honestly I can’t say.
I can’t bring myself to answer
any questions you need to ask
Because my words don’t seem real right now
I’m hoping it doesn’t last
and Im hoping that dreaming will last forever
because waking up is both beautiful and painful
and it hurts to feel so alone
and trapped
and pathetic again
and if there’s any hand out there willing to pull me up
I cant accept you
im sorry
i just need to be alone
far away
Because I can get through this
even if only on the outside

How to be human / Skyline

If I should have children I won’t raise them to be Christian, Buddhist or sihk , I wont teach them to pray to a God to help heal a sick relative or friend in need. I wont teach them that they will be rewarded if they do good and be punished if they commit a crime under the justification they are being eternally judged on the predicament of whether or not they can enter some spiritual infinity filled with either love or hate.
I wont ever teach them that.
Ill teach them to be human.
Every other label they wish to decorate themselves with, be it Muslim or Jewish, is their choice. I’d want to teach them that to help that sick relative or friend in need , the best you can do, is be kind. Show support.
Know you cant cure them. You can only acknowledge them, and that that will make them feel better.  After all everything’s only for a little while.
As painful as it might be, Ill teach them that you can do all the good in the world and never be rewarded or appreciated for it, so please take the reward in the actions themselves, and that you commit as many crimes as you want and never be punished for them, but that doesn’t mean you should commit them.

My dear, I’ll say, this world is confusing and painful and filled with sacrifice, so be ready for change. Moments are more useful than the overall. They’ll abuse you and use you only to kiss your neck and hold you close but they’ll never beg forgiveness. And honestly dear, that’s beautiful.Because it means you’re alive. You’re living. And I hope you’re listening,  because when you listen to someones words and actions , you’ll begin to understand them.Even if they don’t understand them self. And i cry, its OK, you can go now, I understand – there’s more you need to see.

I’ll say, darling – you will feel pain. And I’m so sorry. And if I could I would take it all away, but I just can’t so please bare with it. Please know that it will get better one day and till then prepared to feel hurt, to feel empty, to feel lost. and just learn to cope as best you can and learn to hope with all your might, because hope
helps you win a fight
But sweetheart, you’re going to get broken. And once you’ve learned how to be fixed, and when you have repaired all the shattered pieces, there’ll still be marks- but wear them as medals because you’re a survivor of a war that everyone fights, but not many win. And know that the hardest part is probably afterwards. When you’ve won.
Because chances are,
you didn’t plan anything past that.
And that’s ok. You’re only human.
But in reality, you’re so much more.

If I should have children Ill tell them to explore the sky with their soul. Ill tell them the find the stars and never let them go since those stars, are everything we are, and everything we’ll be. And all that separates us is the skyline. I wont teach them that everything they are isn’t good enough, and I wont let anyone ever teach them that either. I won’t teach them that life’s easy, but Ill teach them that its beautiful, that complexity allows simplicity to shine through and that if the light wont reach you in time when you’ve fallen down a hole, go and fine wonderland. Go on an adventure and see where it goes and don’t let anyone stop you.

If I should have children, Ill teach them how to be human, how to love, how to carry on. And if they are anything like me- they wont listen. But in least I tried and I know they’ll find out everything for them self. They’ll learn things I could never teach them, that I never knew and maybe even one day, when I’m more of memory ready to leave for never land, they’ll hold me and they’ll cry
It’s OK
You can go now
There’s more you need to see
It’s only for a while we’ll be apart
And when we look at the stars
We’ll never let them go
Because we wont ever let you go
After all, all that separates us
Is the skyline

If I should have children, Ill teach them how to be human and hope they’ll live enough to know they are so much more.