Run-Away Luggage

I just wanted you to know
2nd best is no longer good enough
Although let’s pretend it is since you will never be enough for 1st
Also, I just thought I should tell you that you became
Everything you never wanted to be
And you can only redeem yourself
By never being you again

Because you made some mistakes
Being  stubborn enough to stick to your ever changing ways
That meant no one understood
And on the surface that felt pretty good but really
Deep down
It was just to create distance
Since in reality your couldn’t travel far away
You couldn’t just pack up your bags and leave
Even though every bone in your body was dying to be free
You’d already pre-packed everything ready to go
Ready to fly to a place so far away just to start again
Where it wouldn’t matter if you were 2nd or 1st
Because you would never need to compete…
A place where you will be enough
Where the only weight you ever had to carry
Was the burden of a late train
Where you no longer felt like everybody’s luggage

Maybe you could swim so far to sea you cant turn back
And finally reach Never Land
You’d never need to grow up or worry
So you never have to understand
Or bear the pain of knowledge

Yet Never Land can’t exist for you
And no matter how far you travel
Youll never find a place to tuck your suitcase away
To sit by the warmth of a stove late at night
You’ll always be out in the snow
Calling for a place to call home
You’ll never be enough and it doesn’t matter where you are that’s not going to change
You can travel the world
Abandon everyone
Push or pull them as close as you like
But they’ll never see you
You’re not enough of a person to look into their eyes

So I just wanted you too know
You don’t need to get out of bed tomorrow
No one really wants you
No where really needs you
So just sleep
Now maybe the oxygen you breath wont be a waste
And maybe on day
You’ll take the courage to grab the suitcase and go
Without a single goodbye
Or final hello
Or maybe you wont be  luggage You’ll just leave that behind
And start again
Far away

Forget who you were
Who you tried to be
So even if youre standing alone
In least you’ll be on your way to find a home

Gallery

Times Of Torment

"n time we hate that which we often fear." -William Shakespeare

“n time we hate that which we often fear.”
-William Shakespeare

"Man alone measures time. Man alone chimes the hour. And, because of this, man alone suffers a paralyzing fear that no other creature endures. A fear of time running out."  Chronophobia-A fear of Time/ A fear of the Future

“Man alone measures time. Man alone chimes the hour. And, because of this, man alone suffers a paralyzing fear that no other creature endures. A fear of time running out.”
Chronophobia-A fear of Time/ A fear of the Future

"Hell is empty and all the devils are here." -Shakespeare

“Hell is empty and all the devils are here.” -Shakespeare

Closed Cabinets

"If you have tears, prepare to shed them now."-Shakespeare   ( The sculpture is made from this quote and text among others )

“If you have tears, prepare to shed them now.”-Shakespeare
( The sculpture is made from this quote and text among others )

When Water Sweats Rain

I remember thinking to myself
Ill be anorexic, it’ll compromise the pain.
Ill exercise and starve this hurt away and do sit-ups until
I can never sit up.
Yet I would moments later find myself in the kitchen binging and
purging on food I couldn’t taste, with tears
replacing the sweat I was hoping to produce and bloating my hate into mouthfuls.
Yet I never wanted to take a drink, even if I needed it.
Because logic doesn’t apply here.
The daily guidelines don’t understand my need for nurture not nutrition.
I knew it was wrong.
I protested constantly against disorders and weight, but still
past events had lead me to these days where my morals and beliefs burnt away like a university of art the day it was set on fire.
I remember thinking it because there was a sense of achievement in the destruction of building a new body,
a better one.
Because these atoms weren’t strong enough for me.
I never wanted to be the crumpled sludge of mud or the paper thin delicacy of a petal.
The colours were to bright.People would want to see.
I wanted to work hard to look like the toned stem holding up beauty that bends towards the sun with hope seeping like nectar that was needed to be made into sweet honey.
I was willing to compromise attention and allure for usefulness because secretly
all I needed, was to be needed.
I remember this because some second hand advise originating from Sara said ‘Sweat holds more value than tears’.
So when I said I wanted to be anorexic, I didn’t mean it. I just wanted to exercise and starve myself into a beautiful death that might make me feel alive.
Because life is a constant contradiction.

Like suicidal life-draining thoughts
I didn’t want to die I just wanted to live and that was so achingly simple.
I lived in the smallest of moments and that made me happy.
A worn down penny on the pavement had more value than a pound.
No, it couldn’t buy me the temporary rush of sugar from a one penny sweet because inflation had doubled,tripled, quadrupled their cost, but yes,
the scratches on it made me wonder how far it had travelled and in whose pockets and purses.
I threw myself into these moments because they were real,
and if everything was taken away from me in least I knew I had them.
It took effort and my mind sweat tears because of the falsities I had to wrestle past to hold onto them
but in least they were worth holding.
Moments like summer rain in Britain.
Where everyone was so used to the forecast of goosebumps, no matter how warm, the sign of clouds meant layers. Jeans.  But to me the most profound thing was walking in shorts in the august rain.
Outstretching my arm covered in refreshing beads of precipitation-an innocent mimic of sweat during really good sex -as if to grab the moments hand and elope with it.

It was those quiet days,
where I could spend 3 hours in the shower with my mind completely empty,
lost like my legs were dangling over the edge of the cliffhanger my life had come to that day, that I thought : I should be anorexic.
And it was only when I’d ran out of distractions and
when the tears that had randomly visited so very briefly- like a millionaire at a charity gig- had stopped leaking that I realised
I was starving myself already.
I needed to refresh myself in the summer rain.
Not by sprinting to sweat, but by walking.
I needed to find a penny and recycle it into a donation.
I needed to stop trying to be everything for everyone, regardless of how unkind they were, and maybe grow a few petals of my own and not shy away when the sun pays me a compliment.
Because I was so busy trying to sweat my worth I forgot to hydrate myself.
So no value became of it all, only the sickness of becoming even weaker than before.
So let me tell you now, in this moment- however insignificant it maybe- Be kind, not just to others but to yourself. Be grateful  of the fact you’re not part of the 783 million people who cant access drinking water.
Take advantage of  the tap that provides you life whenever you want it,
because you need it.